SUMMER'S BLOG

 INTRO

I’ve not been writing much in my life lately. The only time I wrote a lot was when I was in my depressed phase.

Even though I recently said that I won’t be writing anymore any time soon because things have been getting better with me I guess I found a reason to begin writing from time to time, again.

The reason behind that is that its summer, and I’ve recently noticed that there’s not much to do and that summer is always a season that makes me think and worry about a lot of stuff aka how am going to spend it and who with and etc. Another good reason to start writing again is because it makes me feel lighter after I’ve discussed the situation because then I feel like I’m not alone and without anyone to listen to me. Because if I did have someone like one of my closest friend who is also far away in another country on holiday and so I can’t really contact her that often because if I could I would have literally spammed her every few hours about the things that go on around me and in my head.And even though she’s not that much of a good advice giver (haha) I still love talking to her about it because she’s just always there and always making me feel like it’s not the worst thing that could’ve happened to me. ANYWAYS so writing is good for you because its literally taking the thoughts you’re over thinking about and just releasing them all on a paper and so that basically clears your mind off it.

But, sometimes I become too afraid to write somethings down because I fear that it wouldn’t stop the worrying and that it’ll only make me think about it more so what I usually do is just find something to keep myself preoccupied with.

So yeah,I guess I’ve summarised what this Summer’s blog is going to be about and I really hope it doesn’t sound too depressing like my old complaints I used to blog about aha.Now that I wrote the intro to this blog I guess I kind of stopped worrying about what just recently happened which I won’t be writing about because firstly if one of my family members was to read this (which would be the death of me) I would be pretty dead because it’s a kind of personal issue which doesn’t really concern me much but it would shock them to know that I’ve been telling the entire internet crew about this. And secondly I don’t know the full l story to it so I can’t really tell one thing and then find out it was wrong information I wrote about.

WHEN WE MEET

I hate writing about this stuff I don’t know why maybe as I said in the intro that it could make me think and worry about it even more so yeah But I’m really bored right now and I have nothing to do and so that’s making me overthink it even more so I’m just going to write for a bit. We met today and I wasn’t ready because well I haven’t really planned what to say haha, that sounds very silly of me but what can I do that’s just me and my crazy life. I hated it, the way we met, it happened too quickly, people were around and they were watching but it’s not like I was planning on jumping on IT (If you’ve not noticed I have not really mentioned this person’s name or even gender and the reason behind that is also because of the fear that someone who knows me will see this blog and well… god knows what they would think or even do!)

So anyways because I missed IT so much because to be honest IT is a very close person to me who I’m very thankful for because of how it made me feel happy and laugh without having any worries about things that could go wrong while I was going through my depression phase so ‘m thankful for having such a person begin there for me. I just felt that our first meeting this summer would be full of excitement and laughs and whatnots but all I did was just say hi and walked away because people were watching and if I got too excited it would seem too weird from the people around us. Last time I tried to talk to IT while some people were around I was pretty confused by IT’s actions because they seemed like they were drifting away from me and that we didn’t have anything to talk about and so I just moved away and understood the situation as IT not being able to act the same with me when others are around and so we both have to be careful of that from now on But it’s such a stupid thing we do because it’s not like we’re secretly dating or anything. All I hope for this summer is to be able to just sped a few days with IT and I think that would be enough for me because I just want to be able to laugh at someone else’s jokes for once, Not always laughing at my own which can get tiring even though I admit my jokes are funny so obviously I’d end up laughing too.Ofcourse I don’t want to be with them just because they’re funny there’s so many reasons why but it’d take so long for me to write it all down and I already wrote a lot right now so I don’t want to keep on blabbering about things that will make you guys feel sick of my life, because as if all of this ^ isn’t already enough torture for you guys ahaha.I just really want to meet again and again and again. Please.

STARS

I decided to go to the roof and lay down because the heat was too much this night and so I lay there and looked up at the sky and when the roofs light went off I started to see little shiny dots begin to grow and increase above me and that’s when I noticed all the stars that human kind cannot see because of all the unnatural lights around us that we are always using at night when we should be enjoying the darkest roots of the nights darkness’s. Staring up at them made me notice that my thoughts began to quieten down and I wasn’t, for once, too busy with what’s going on in my mind but I was too intrigued in the beautiful scenery that was right in front of me. So people try for once in your life to sit or lay in an area where there aren’t many lights around and look up to the sky and just take it all in, let it all sink in so you don’t forget the beauty of this world and how easily it can be forgotten. Also if you have a lot on your mind and you just want some time to block those thoughts out then this could be the perfect way to keep your mind busy in a good healthy way. Humans. We need to spend more times remembering the beauties that we can find in this cruel world that is being ruined by US humans!

GROWING UP

I’m pretty sure by my age most people would have understood that when you go through hardships that’s what really teaches you to grow up in this world correctly by knowing what’s right for you and what isn’t. For example you have the regular desire you get to do things and be with people that you THINK will make you feel happy and good but when you actually do end up doing what you wanted to do, reality hits you hard, proving to you that you were wrong about your choices and that not everything which is good for others is good for you so don’t always follow other but see who you truly are and what you honestly think is good for you. But sometimes even after you’ve learnt your lesson and you no longer do the things that could actually make you miserable you still don’t have a wonderful life because there are some times where it’s still too difficult to make a decision that is right for you because sometimes your mind can play tricks on you so even if Today you still make mistakes don’t be upset, don’t regret it because every mistake brings you a new lesson in life that could help you even more in the future so you don’t end up making that mistake again. So just live life and don’t worry too much when it comes to things you’ve done wrong, because trust me you and whoever else was involved in that mistake will get over it sooner or later.

WHEN PLANS DON’T GO RIGHT

This is why I try not to get my hopes up no more because it just always ends up hurting me too much so I hate it and I just hate doing things no more but I want to be happy but why does everything I want to do to be happy always have to never go as planned. I spoke with IT and told IT about what I wanted to do together with IT but everything I suggested IT either ignored me totally or just said no to me. I literally felt like crying, I didn’t even know IT could have such an effect on me. I hate it, getting attached to people that don’t feel the same way as I do. Seeing as I’m away on holiday right now none of my friends are around and all I wanted to do was just go to on elf my closest friends and hug them and tell them what happened and that’s all that I need right now because I can’t take it but they’re all so far away so I just have to hold it in like always. I feel so inhumane to always be running and fantasising about people who I bet don’t even think about me and I always leave the people who are always thinking and loving me.I’m such a bad friend, sister and human ha! Not even sure if I am a human XD I think that I should be over that part in life where I keep on obsessing over people that don’t even give a shit about me and care more about the ones that do because this is not a new problem with me. I ALWAYS OVERTHINK ABOUT IT.I need to stop repeating this mistake. I’ll only end up hurting myself. I need to stop, stop, stop, stop, stop, stop, stop, stop, stop, STOP!

I MISS YOU.

There are so many reasons why I HATE going out into the world. First of all it scares me, the things it can do to you, the way it can change you, for the worst ofcourse.The things you see and regret seeing. It’s becoming a big fear inside of me and it makes me just stay inside and not even want to go out anymore which I don’t really mind anymore because my parents are reallyyyy strict and this fear of the outside world wouldn’t have occurred if they didn’t keep me inside so much. But anyways sometimes, like today I learn about things and witness things that make me sure that shit does happen and that not everyone is as innocent as they look. Today I found out about someone’s secret and it’s not like I even know the person much or anything but it just made me feel disgusted and pissed off at the fact that people have no shame to even try and hide their secrets a bit more harder. I know I’m not making sense at all but it upsets me to even know people who are kind-of-a-family-relative have such big secrets that they don’t mind someone stepping up on while going through their daily business. The title seems pretty irrelevant right now, but let me explain. When I witnessed the little fear today I began to feel different emotions for example I felt anger but it wasn’t really towards anyone in particular. Even whilst writing this, my mind won’t stop, it’s like I’m deep thinking but I can’t really hear my thoughts, there isn’t a particular topic going on In my head. It’s weird, I keep on writing but this feeling inside me that I can’t describe won’t calm down. I must be disappointed at the world and how it’s ended up being. The thing that happened today made me miss IT.Because as someone told me he’s different and that’s not the only reason I want to see IT right now, I think I just feel alone, or maybe even confused and scared a little bit, so that could be the reason why I want to be near IT so I could feel normal again. I feel like I’m missing something, but I can’t really get myself to realize what it is. I’m such an idiot. I made a promise with myself not to have a depressed phase this summer, but I can feel it sinking in slowly. It’s going to be a long day.

HIGH EXPECTATIONS AND HALLUCINATIONS/FANTASIES.

When I slept over at my cousins/best friend’s house I saw the true colours of her family. Not meaning that they were bad or anything it’s that they showed me who they really are when I was around and that made me feel really accepted and treated like someone they trusted and felt comfortable around. I felt part of the family. I felt happy. I felt content. Then I began to see the big differences between my cousin’s family and my own family and it made realize how much I’ve been missing out on in a family that I should have grown up with. I had a plan. I knew ways to spend this summer with people who I care about and that’s all I needed, people who I knew I could spend time with and be happy. But there’s always a way for my plans not to go the way I wanted them to go. I thought it was okay to be happy in life. It’s not like I was planning to be happy in a bad way. I know that this life is just a test and that we’ll get everything we want in heaven but I need a bit of a gift from god from time to time. I can’t believe I’m blaming this on god. My family are people that I’ve been waiting to get rid of since I was small, I don’t mean I want to kill them or whatever, I mean that I really cannot wait to just grow up and leave and begin living alone because I’ve been patient throughout these shitty years with them forever and I’m surprised I even survived. My family decided to “come by” today and pick me up after they did some tourism which made me pretty upset because I was so close to succeeding in my plan but of course I forgot that getting my hopes up too high will only get me more fucked up. It’s never worked out once, but I keep on making the same old mistakes and I’m not even learning my lesson yet. I can be such an idiot sometimes. However the family I was staying with knew how much I wanted to stay for longer and I loved the fact that they knew me so well without me even telling them I wanted to stay for longer and so they told my dad to let me stay for longer and he let me stay one more day. Okay you expect me to be happy or whatever but no one’s getting the point here...IT works all week and he only comes home on a Wednesday night and that’s the day I’m leaving, actually I’m leaving in the afternoon so of course I won’t be able to even spend one fucking night with IT. My cousin knows how I and IT want to fix our friendship but she didn’t really think about that when she was asking my dad if I could stay longer. You must be thinking this girl can’t even be thankful for what people do for her. Yes you’re right I’m ungrateful bitch who doesn’t care about what others do and doesn’t even feel thankful for anything. Lately I’ve been using music to block the sadness out that’s been coming out in me lately for many reason, like for example like today, when my parents don’t really listen to what I want and just go with what they want to freaking do. I DON’T GET IT! Why do they want to take me back so badly, it’s not like they need me at home, I annoy them, I don’t help out I’m just in the way for them so I wonder if that makes them want to ruin my life even more because how it is right now isn’t bad enough. When it comes to saving and changing a suicidal person mind and making them stop what they’re planning on doing they always bring up these same words “don’t do it.think about the people you’ll leave behind who you’ll hurt” Whoever falls for this shit must be pretty caring and sensitive to what others think of them. Who freaking cares what will happen to the people that “care about you” that you’ll leave behind. It’s your damn life not theirs, you take it if you want to…Okay I think I’m kind of crossing the line right now tbh,but hey there’s no going back, and besides THIS IS my blog. It’s funny that every time I come to write about what happened I forget everything.Im not sure if it’s a good thing or not. And I’m also pretty sure I’ve mentioned this before as well so do ignore my idiotic amnesia-tic mind. I’m going to the beach tomorrow and maybe I should try and drown myself for a bit coz I’m sure they’ll find me anyways,haha.It’s so funny to see myself writing shit like this, before I used to be so sensitive by it all, whenever I heard anyone speak about doing anything to themselves I would spend the night up with them trying to change their mind.And what’s even more funny is the fact that I wanted to be a psychologist,HAHAHAHA omg someone please just send me off somewhere where I can be normal again. I want time to speed by. I want to move away. I want to be alone. I want peace. I want to live without everyday shit messing up my life. I guess my promise I made this summer failed. I had like more than three depressed phases and I’m afraid I’m sinking in my depression again. I don’t want to go back there. It’s tiring. What if it changes me again? I don’t want to go back like I used to be before…

All to waste.

I hate planning things out. All the time I used to just try and make something perfect for me, it never really comes out the way I wanted it to. It’s as if whatever I do want happening, it never happens and something that I don’t even expect to happen randomly decides to surprise me in a good way or bad even. I decided to check the calendar and see how many weeks I have left of my summer and its basically three weeks damn weeks and that just pisses me off so much because I’ve not even done half the stuff I planned on doing. I also remembered that I have friends, aha, that I need to buy presents for. Can’t believe I just remembered that like right now. I feel like just crawling into a cave and getting forgotten by everyone. Nothing is going to plan. I can’t live a messy life. I need something to follow to be able to make right decisions in my life. I can’t carry on in life like this. I’m wasting my life and I don’t even know how to fix that.

IT

I’m obsessed with IT every damn year.

Could it be a crush?

Or am I actually beginning to like IT

I need you

But you’re hurting me

Are we even thinking and feeling the same way?

Seeing you once will be enough for me

Why didn’t you think about me this year?

Did you even plan anything for me?

Am I even counted as someone who’s close to you?

Stay, or leave.

Don’t confuse me.Please.

Choices and options

I just noticed today that whenever I am around IT and my cousin I ALWAYS,ALWAYS give all my attention to IT and what I don’t notice is the fact that I’m not really thinking about if my cousin is comfortable and even if she’s being left out. I’m so busy focusing on someone else that I don’t even think about my cousin. I know that my cousin gets hurt but she never really shows it and I really hate myself for treating her like this and I still wonder why she still prefers to be around me.The only time I got to be with IT, but not alone, was when I was sitting next to him in the car. I am trying not to think about the fact that I won’t be able to see IT anymore and even if I did I won’t be able to have one of those one on one talks with IT.I know that I can always have the chance to talk to IT online or whatever but today, it felt so much better and I felt so happy being able to talk face to face with IT.One whole day with IT will be all I need.

Bullshit

So today when I was forced to go back home after I was sleeping over at my cousins house, who as I said before, that I am only able to see once a year which is in the summer holidays. And so I’ve literally stayed over for like four to five days and I went back home pretty pissed off because bobs I shouldn’t be forced back home like that and secondly ii didn’t get to spend even one night with IT so yeah that was why I was pretty disappointed. So we’re sitting in the car and my dad walks out for a bit and my mum says “she wants to live with them” there are so many reasons why I felt like killing someone when she said this. Firstly because I don’t remember when staying 5 days at someone’s house means you want to live with them, especially when they are people you don’t see throughout the whole year. Secondly when she said this I remembered what my grandma said when I told her about me leaving so early and she told me that my dad wasn’t even the one to want me back and that my mum told him/reminded him that I “stayed too long” and I should come back, I mean I think it’s really good that my mum has control and has a say in many things but the problem is she doesn’t use that power in a good way. It always for a heartless reason or whatever. I swear my dad needs to get his mind back together and stop following her freaking orders. I really don’t understand what my mum wants from me.If she wants to ruin my life even more because she thinks she hasn’t already ruined enough of it before then I don’t know what to say. She hates me being around because I’m just a person in the way but she doesn’t want me gone either. I’ll never be able to understand her. And I’m done trying to.

I’M HIGH.

I always, and I mean always have said that I’ll never get married and I have my reasons for that but because of me missing IT lately I’ve been getting pretty stupid ideas in to my head that make me feel like I’m not acting myself at all and that if I did go with these ideas I will literally destroy my life even more. I keep on imagining myself marrying IT at this age!! I’m 15 for god sake I swear I’m not okay right now. But yes as some of you have noticed I’ve recently been making ITS gender very easy to guess but hey don’t think I’ll be spitting out names next coz that isn’t happening people. The only reason I keep on fantasizing about marrying IT is the reason that I never get to see him anymore and so yes that is the reason behind the drunk thoughts I’m having haha.I can’t really remember much of the short time I spent with IT like a day ago because of my stupid short memory but I think he kept on going on about a ring or something. I’m not really sure if giving someone A RING means you have any special feelings for them or anything because seriously why get me a ring? I mean there are so many others things that IT could give me why a freaking ring??Hey I’m not being like this because I’m not happy with him giving me a ring it’s just could have so many meanings and that could get my hopes up which you all already know I hate A LOT.I got him a metal bracelet, one for me and one for him so like to show our friendship or whatever lol.

If I lived.

I have two main options right now in my head that I’d like to proceed with in my adult life. The first on is stay in the Uk and enter a good university and I want it to be far from home so I could move away which is my biggest problem seeing how both my parents are too strict and there’s nowhere near a low chance of them even letting me go but hey there’s literally no harm in trying right? If I was able to go and move out I would like to take psychology in university so I could become a therapist and I’m not sure what comes after that to be honest. I could go with the plan I made with my cousin and get her to come over and live with me but that still seems so far away. If all that doesn’t work out and my parents keep on saying no then because I can’t just give up on life again and commit then this is where the second plan comes in.The minute they tell me that I am not allowed to move out and that the topic won’t even be discussed again then I will make the decision to not enter university and go back to the country I used to live in and get my cousins dad to help me get into the army. It doesn’t really matter where I stay or who is going to look after me because we have a house here and I’m pretty sure I can look after it on my own. And that’s all I’ve had in mind for what I could do when I turn into an adult because I will and will do whatever I can do to leave the house and family that I’ve been stuck with.You all must think I’m being so immature right now, making all these decisions because “I hate my family” or whatever but trust me, it’s my life, my decisions.

What does this even mean?!

So I got the chance to talk to IT today online so it was a pretty different feeling to seeing him in person because well talking online doesn’t really show you much about the person. So anyways he asked me the usual question which was “how are you?” and I was like I’m okay and etc... But then I has the guts to go and ask him this silly question “did you miss me?” as a joke but he freaking replies with “I miss you so much!” and then decides to add this out of nowhere “I’m falling in love” so I’m just there like this is so random, wtf. And so I ask him who with and he says “with you”. This is the moment that my brain exploded and I was just sitting there not even sure what to feel over what he just said because firstly im’ pretty slow at processing things and secondly I was pretty sure this was one of his many stupid jokes that he plays on me.However I did decide to join in on his little joke but he had to go home where there is no internet connection :’( So he told me to wait till we could carry this conversation on. I think I would be brave enough to talk about what happened with him in person because doing it on chat won’t really show me what his facial expression is like and if it’s really true all he said. Wow I can’t believe im not worried about the actual problem which is the fact that the guy just freaking CONFESSED TO ME!!God help me.

MIGHT ASWELL GO WITH IT.?

So if you haven’t already noticed I haven’t written anything in like two weeks and the reason behind that is that my dad took my laptop off me because well “I broke it” could be the reason everyone likes to use. This is the story.Me,my dad and my cousin went to my grandma’s house and this stupid country decides to take away the electricity like every single night from time to time and so I come and put my laptop on my grandmas big wardrobe and its literally nowhere near falling right and then my dad comes in looking for something and the freaking guy has a torch with him as well but being the violent guy he is he starts thrashing around looking for whatever he’s looking for and god knows what happened but I hear a crash and come and check-up and find my poor lappy on the damn floor and my dad’s glaring at me like oh am sorry for putting it there.Im sorry for making you search so violently, I’m sorry for breaking it.YEAH FUCKING RIGHT. I know it’s not my fault and am not going to take the blame. All the damn people that heard the story all kept on saying that it’s my fault for taking it out and for not putting it in its case. Well FIRSTLY, if I’m not going to take it out why the heck would you even buy it and secondly if you haven’t noticed yet I don’t  have a damn case and even if I did you seriously must not have any common sense to realize that even the case won’t be able to protect it from getting wrecked. My dad can keep on blaming me and people can keep on believing him but hey it’s not affecting me…Okay maybe it is, the fact that now I need to find ways to survive this dragging summer without it.

REVENGE?

So when I say not to trust anyone like ever I mean it.There’s a difference between having fun with some people and giving them your deepest secrets. Today my mother was “invited” for a sleepover at her aunties house and so she and my sisters and little bro are going with here and it came out miraculously to be the same day that my cousins father take IT back home because the day after he doesn’t work and so the plan which me and my cousin had in my mind which was to go with her dad to her house and stay there with IT could go so perfectly without my mother knowing and if she did know the news will reach her too late. So because I’m a lonely bitch that has no one to talk to I decided to tell my plan to my grandma and like I already heard before from someone that I can’t just get away with asking my dad because my mum “is the deal” but fuck that! That shit ain’t gunna happen. So today, I packed and everything and my dad decides to ask who’s going and who’s not and my mother says everyone except me (nearly gave out my name there).And then she decides to throw the bomb and say that I go with him and RETURN with him so I’m just there thinking ha it would’ve been a dream if everything was to go to plan. But I don’t know what’s wrong with me lately I think I kind of gave up but I’m not really getting myself turned depressed over it because well you could say that I just got used to this shit man.So my mind automatically decided to think of another plan which is to carry on with the plan me and my cousin already had in mind but I know because of what my mum said to my dad he’s sooo going to say no that’s why plan B is to ask my cousin to return with me to my house and when my mother comes back well she better say goodbye to her freaking summer coz if she wants to play that way then I guess I got to do my job too right? I’m not usually the type of person too have grudges and have revenge on people but for some reason I feel like letting my craziness go wild a bit. I’ve been depressed too many times I need to have fun and my way.

FUCKING FAILURE.

I keep on letting my guard down and getting my hopes up. Well the plan I just made pretty much didn’t even work and that idiot cousin of mine went home without even thinking of looking for me.But hey that’s nothing to get upset over. Friends always let you down like that its daily life shit man.I asked my dad and I hate the way his face changed the minute I ask him and he turns all pissed off like me asking him is causing him shit.Well seeing how both the plans I wanted to try out didn’t work I guess I’ll be going back home and hiding in my little dark cave hehe. I’m such an idiot! I shouldn’t have gotten my fucking hopes up. WHY DID I PLAN.I keep breaking my own rules, pfft, such an idiot I am.I’ll never learn will I.I just really want to know why my damned summer turned out like this.Eventhough I can’t remember if it was kind of the same last summer I know it got worse this year. I don’t fucking know what’s wrong with her. Not sure if she hates my cousin or the whole damn family that she treats them so shitty.Damn.I should’ve taken boxing lessons I really think it would be a perfect way to tone my body AND get rid of all the anger that stays inside because right now, while I’m typing, I just feel like beating the shit out of this keyboard. Why won’t things go my way? Why is god stopping me from going there? What kind of sign could this be because I really aren’t understanding it.For fucksake.I said I won’t get upset again? But my chest is getting heavy. You know? That feeling you get when you’re going to cry but I don’t want to let the tears out so it all stays in my chest and it hurts. It hurts. I want to ask my dad why and have a calm conversation with him but it’s hard. He doesn’t listen to me.He doesn’t answer me.He says one word and scares the fuck out of me that I can’t even speak no more. Why can’t he just be a normal dad and let me have some damn freedom. So many years to go. I actually can’t wait no longer. Time feels like its crawling. I want to begin my freedom soon.

UNFAIRNESS.

My sister just told me she’s going to sleepover at her friends/kind-of-cousins tomorrow and I swear if she’s allowed to then I swear that women must have like some next level power because this shit is too messed up to be true. It’s weird. Because it’s not like I haven’t tried it with her before. Maybe the problem isn’t that I don’t ask her. Maybe she just doesn’t like me. Maybe she hates the choices I make, the people ii befriend. Maybe she just doesn’t want to give me my freedom. Maybe I’m the less favoured one between all the siblings I have.

WHATEVER.

Seems like I won’t have another chance to hang out with my cousin and IT.I’m going to stop trying. I’m going to let whatever’s going to happen, happen. I’m tired. I hate going through this process everytime.I know that me not giving up is a good thing I have but sometimes, you just got to give up man.I’m just going to spend some time alone from now on and whoever decides to enter into my daily life then they’re welcome but I need to remind myself not to get too attached because I’ll get my hopes up again and begin creating new plans that will OFCOURSE not work out. I keep on wondering if this is always my mother’s nasty work but hey I don’t know. Maybe my father has his own reasons recently. Seems like I need to start downloading my marathon files because it’s going to be a long two weeks. I feel like this summer hasn’t made me pleased enough for me to return to school feeling ready for studying.

CAN’T WAIT

I can feel it.The feeling that this year’s not going to have a good beginning. Firstly it’s because my friend is being serious about the fact that her parents won’t be returning her this school year to the UK and she was telling me how they’ve already checked her in for some examination. I’m not joking when I say this but my friend is someone who I only met this year and because of her I was able to find happiness again and she’s a huge reasons for me looking forward to going to school every day. She’s a person that made me have some hope still. I pray to god that she returns. I need her. If that’s not a good enough of a reason then does having her as the only closest human that I feel at peace around with make up for it? I want her back and I need her back.Everytime I look at photos or videos taken this summer I keep on missing my cousin’s family that made me feel like I’m part of the family. And I miss them so much that next year when I see them again I just want to open my arms wide and watch them run into my tight hug. Such a cheesy image but hey I wanna try shit like that too okay! That’s beginning to make me wonder if my own family is actually as bad as I think they are, or if I’m just exaggerating things a bit.

SILLY ME

Can I just start off by saying that the shit that happens in life makes you feel these really bad emotions that make you feel like your life is permanently ruined and that could be true some imes but other times its just a temporary feeling that you let destroy you and your future plans.I guess it’s the same with me too.When really bad stuff happen in my life I begin to hate everyone and lose hope and whatever comes with it,but,I swear I keep on noticing that after like maybe even if it passes a whole entire month I begin to lose those depressing thoughts and kind of not see things in such a bad light anymore but that doesn’t mean that I return to being fully happy and all.Nope,I still am depressed deep inside but I guess you could say the way my personality works is,I try to stop it from overtaking me by trying to be happy and even if that means turning a bit crazy from time to time.When I was going through those depressing times I always changed my future plans and if I had more freedom I would’ve literally gone through with it.But thankfully due to having VERY strict parents I’m not able to make none of those steps ahead to my insane ideas.

JUST END IT ALREADY

My mother hit me today and it’s funny that that made me cry for the first time in god knows how many years. I mean it’s not like she’s not hit me before, of course she has! And it wasn’t just one little tear that dropped out. It was A LOT. Apart from that both my sisters accused me of being a heartless person that never asks for my mother permission AND that, I guess, just added to the tears. Which made me end up begging god to just take my soul because I really can’t live in this world being such a bad person WHICH ended in me remembering how this girl I knew used to do the same thing and stay up all night and sob to god to just end it for her and that made me really pity myself but I just couldn’t stop the damn tears.Today,what happened, made me realize how alone I am in this world and that I actually DON’T have anyone there for me, especially when I need someone in times like these. For once, I really hope my god just grants my wish and takes me away because even though I haven’t done anything good to be allowed into heaven and even though I know that I’ll be living in hell for eternity I just don’t think I am as strong as I once thought I was to be able to survive the test that was given to me.I actually even thought of harming myself. My mind went berserk today. My mother’s probably cursed me for life by now, if she already hasn’t done it earlier, and I’ve officially have no idea what will be right to do with my life no more. I keep on thinking I should go back tomorrow to my cousin but then I have  a fear that now, my mother won’t only forbid me from having sleepover but she’ll also forbid me from stepping out of the house. I swear they really should have some big rule on killing bad children that parents know will end up turning like me. Why don’t they fucking sell drugs that literally make you lose your emotions?!?! If I had that shit I swear, going through all of this would be ten times easier. Next summer I need to get my dad to get internet set up at home because I don’t want to go through the same process again. I’m going full on introvert and that’s that.

BETRAYAL

It stings like a bitch when your closest blood members decide to throw you away when you’re most in need of them and when they actually decide to ACT like they’re going to be there.

If you’re going to act fake then please do it 24/7 because this whole changing your personality every two damn seconds makes me want to slap you across the face. Thank you.

I swear my two sisters have like something against me.They’ve literally like had a secret meeting with my mum about ruining my holiday ffs.I’m not joking when I say that they tried EVERYTHING to get me NOT to bring my cousin with me all the time to my house. My mother keeps on acting like if we have guests over, she “can’t” spend her holiday properly.Wtf?! Firstly the “guest” which is my damn cousin did not come over to see her, she’s going to be with me 24/7 so WHY, WHY does that stop you from “enjoying” your holiday?

Tomorrow is the day my cousin’s father will come to pick her up and I just REALLY,REALLY hope that for once I get to spend the night with IT, because I really think I’ll be upset if I return to the Uk without having some times with him like the old times.

Now I understand why people enjoy being introverts and don’t even feel the need to be out there all the time partying and what not. I swear today, when my own grandma decided to go against me I felt so empty, like wow, you really must not care about your grandchildren’s happiness anymore. And what made me even more shocked is the fact that she kept on sticking up for my mother when my mother’s husband is her fucking son like give him some respect mate. I promised myself that if I wasn’t allowed to go I wouldn’t be too upset about it because I should stay calm but then my freaking grandma decided to butt in which really made me pissed off. I swear this is not even a journal no more to be honest, I’ve literally turned this summer’s blog into a deep shithole of depressing complaints.

DIFFERENCES.

Because I don’t go out much I’m mostly just around my family and not really meeting many people and getting to know the different kinds of humans there are out there. However, when I, this summer, spent the time in my cousins house, I felt a new feeling and it made me feel like all my life I’ve been missing out on this extraordinary feeling. And I kept on wondering what could this feeling be that I didn’t used to feel with my own family wondered if my parents are skipping out on some steps on how to raise your children. Maybe that could be the reason why I keep on wanting to go back to my cousin’s family. I feel a part of something when I’m with them. It’s different to how I feel at my own house.Everytime my siblings and mother sit down for a bit of a jolly chat, whenever I join, it always feels like whatever I’ll say will only make them shout at me or think of me as a child that doesn’t know how to have a normal damn conversation. The fact that none of the times I ask if I could go over again succeed makes me afraid that I won’t be able to have that beautiful experience again. But seriously, I would have gotten over this summer in the future but seeing how life is just getting worse by the second and one of them being one of my friends not returning to my side this school year, I really don’t think I’ll be able to survive it this time.

REGRETS

They weren’t wrong when they said that you shouldn’t take people for granted. Because seriously you never really know when they could just disappear out of your life, so people, tell the people close to you that you love them and hug them goodbye because you don’t even know if it’s your last time you will ever see them or not. Do it because there’s literally nothing to lose when you just put in that little bit extra work to make yourself and the people around you happy.

OMG!

So basically IT was kind of high today or something because he decided to freaking ask me out that little shit.I swear, the moment I realized the truth about him I tried my best to keep a distance between us but I swear I think it’s too hard for me to break this one-sided “friendship” that I’ve been cherishing for so damn long. I swear that freaking bastard! I bet all he cared about all those damn years was planning on how to ask me out. Lol. Well anyways, Of course! My answer was no because I would be high too if I told him yes. But my idiot friend who I told what happened freaking told me to bloody say yes. I swear that girl is just getting messed up by the day.IT didn’t like my answer so he keeps on asking me if I’m sure or what not. It’s wrong in our family to date, especially that most of us grew up with strict parents. So I’m pretty sure he shouldn’t be growing up like this. Even though I already knew about all his shit I’m still feeling pretty surprised at the fact that he had the guts to ask me that idiotic question. What’s more hilarious is the fact that to make him give up on trying I told him that I already have a boyfriend but yet still, he went through with his damn question. I don’t think he’ll ever be normal with me again, god. That guy is such an idiot for ruining our relationship.

HOPELESS

I was walking to somewhere today at night with my oldest sister and somehow, just somehow, we ended up having some next level argument about me and how I don’t respect my mother. I mean I actually thought for once that finally I’m going to have someone listen to me and make me find a way to live an easier life but all the freaking answers she gave were “you don’t respect your mum”, “if she says no then it means no”. All the damn “advice” bullcrap she was spitting out wasn’t even helping me one bit and it’s not like it made me realize the wrong things I was doing either. Either way, it gave me no hope at all for my future. I literally have begun to view my mother as someone who is ALWAYS going to be there and stop me from having any freedom whatsoever. I actually didn’t know life could get this complicated ha.

NO SUCH THING AS NORMAL

I’m not even joking when I say this, but, I seriously think that when people sleep they either turn into different people or just do things that make you wonder if they’re mentally okay. Which takes me to today’s story, I went into my sisters room and I notice that she has this book I found and was reading a few weeks ago, so I go to Take it off her because well it’s stupid of her to take something that I found first. So I grab the book and I’m walking out of her room when she decides to freaking grasp my hand and start calling me names and swearing at me and s I just stand there trying to find out if me taking that book  off her could literally make her have such a break out. I swear, sometimes that girl can’t keep her anger to herself she just has to take it out on others which really pisses me off because she isn’t going to get nowhere with that freaking attitude of hers. As if that wasn’t enough, my other sister decided to spit out some random words at me when I went to wake her up from her evening nap. I really think that it’s not normal to be like this to be honest. If it was up to me I would have checked them in ages ago! Hey! I know what you’re thinking. “She’s being such a hypocrite”. I know I’m messed up too but who said if I had the chance to I wouldn’t take it and check my OWN self in.

NOTICE

I don’t care how and who with but all I want in this world is to be happy and content.

MAYBE

IT told me that maybe next year he will come and live with us in the UK and I really hope that that could actually happen because seriously, I don’t know what the actual reason why I want him to come, but maybe it’s coz he is someone close to me and so I’m feeling like I’ll finally have someone there to hang out with. But there are so many reasons why he won’t be able to come. The most obvious one is OBVIOUSLY my mother! Secondly because if he was around they’d have to wear their scarf around him like 24/7 and yes that could get annoying. But I just really hope he comes even if it was a one year try out.

BUTTERFLIES

Today me and my family were in the car and my dad was literally speeding through this road and he saw one of them bumpy things that you need to slow down to drive over, but the thing is, he didn’t slow down in time and next minute you know it the car goes flying (literally flying!) and everyone’s screaming and then we’re down on the floor again and so there’s this awkward silence but then I decide to start laughing out loud because what just happened was so awesome even if it could have injured someone in the car. I mean I wouldn’t stop laughing even when I haven’t checked up on everyone to see if they were okay. But I was truly laughing over something and that’s when I noticed that I had like A LOT of butterflies buzzing around in my tummy and I realized that that hasn’t happened in a long time so I started getting different ideas of doing things that could make me feel excited and happy like that little moment made me feel. What I need is more ADVENTURE in my life!

WHAT IS GOING ON?!

Today my grandma invited us for dinner and we were sitting and eating and everything was as normal. When suddenly! A spider decides to climb on my mums head and everyone’s commenting on it and my dad especially decides to make a joke out of it and say “oh look how small it is” and “stop freaking out” When literally no one was freaking out! And so my mum decides to get up, and we’re all thinking oh she’s going to throw it outside but nooooo she walks over to my dad and throws the damn spider on him! Yes, on him and says “is this nothing to you?” For a moment I didn’t really understand what the fuck just happened but then this heavy silence drops all over the kitchen and my dad decides to stare at me with this new look that I’ve never seen him show and it was like he was going to cry. Now the big problem is you know when dogs get all excited and end up doing something that’ll get them in trouble? And you know after they get shouted at by their owner how their face drops and they just look so down? Well you won’t believe this but that’s how EXACTLY my dad looked like when he gave me that look. I felt so disgusted by my mother’s actions but I also felt VERY freaked out by my father’s look that he gave me. This incident won’t leave my mind at all! And in that moment my dad looked like he was going to cry but he also looked like he wanted to slap mum across the face. I keep on wondering if the shit I write on here could be a bit too personal to be honest…But hey, it’s not like I have anyone else to talk to about it all. I swear this was the first incident that ever happened that made me think they could be getting a divorce, but then, WHO THE HECK BREAKS UP OVER A DAMN SPIDER?!

WHAT I SEE THEM AS

My mother’ too busy worrying about her religion that she forgets there are other things that are important too, like her children’s happiness.

My father always shows different sides to him so I can’t really know who the real him is. But right now, he looks like little child that still has many dreams he wants to achieve.

GOODBYE SUMMER :’(

Summers over and im still missing it deep down. I keep on having them weird thoughts still but I know after a few days they’ll slowly fade away.Well I hope so.I guess for now it’s goodbye to my blog because as I said before when I go back to the UK I’ll be busy with school and when I go on the internet I do a lot of stuff so I won’t really have much time to come on my blog and update but I hope my very depressing summer story keeps you entertained for the year. Stay in touch J