why does life have to be so unfair?

Yes i know its not going to be perfect and that things will happen but there are days that it gets too much and you just cant go on anymore you feel like running away and just being all alone somewhere your unknown.
I've always felt like i cant take any of this anymore and i always thought that if i wasn't born wouldn't everyones life be so much better?I mean i wouldn't be there to give my family so much pain and make people around me feel so down all the time with my rudeness.If i had the choice to go way back in time before i was chosen by god to be born i would tell him to send someone else instead of me that would actually be of some help to this world :) But sadly i cant do such a thing right,i don't have the power to do so haha. Before everything in my life all broke apart i never thought or even EVER imagined these things could happen to someone that's always happy like me,but i guess you never know whats stored for you in the future so you shouldn't be too hopeful that everything's going to go the way you wanted it to go because trust me there will always be someone or something that will stand in your way.No! I'm not telling you to just give up on life just like me just because things will ruin some of your days coz you've got to remember its a bad day not a bad life So stay strong and don't take life too seriously and just live a calm happy life.

Its really weird of me isn't it?I began by venting my problems and then ended up telling you guys to live a good life.You see the thing about me is that sometimes i get too caring for people even if i don't know them and they're not that close to me i mean yes your thinking "isn't that a good thing?To be caring?" Well of course it is but with me i always end up hurting myself even if i don't know that until someone has to tell me that I'm not really doing the right thing.Recently i have this girl in my school who,since the start of the year,I've wanted to help her out and i knew before i could do that i had to kind of become close with her right?So i tried that and i just found it so hard but i didn't stop because I'm not really the type to give up so easily just like that so i kept on trying till one day she repeated this mistake like twice and it made me wonder if i kept on going and let her listen to my deepest secrets and she spilled them wouldn't that really kill me?So i felt angry with myself for being too caring for people that don't even notice what I'm doing for them so i just always want to stop being so caring i want to be heartless,emotionless and i really didn't care what people thought but its just so hard,do you know how difficult it is for someone to change something about themselves,not easy right?So I'm always just changing my mind wanting to give up one sec and the other i look at someone and they just look like they've already lost themselves and it makes me want to want to keep on going with this 'job' i have given myself.

This wasn't really what  i was going to talk about but as i said i am a very Random person so one second I'm talking about one thing then i remember something else and i just quickly change to that topic aha sorry.Anyways one thing before i go is Whenever You feel like your going to break down or like life is being too unfair with you at the moment Either express how your feeling in many different ways for example Draw i do that alot and they're mostly pretty deep and dark drawings but hey that's how my mood is so yeah :3
If you find expressing your emotions a very hard thing to do then your most likely to be one of those people that like to ignore the pain felt so if want to pass the time doing that then Watch something funny And stay away from depressing movies and etc because trust me even if they feel like they're the perfect genre for your mood they wont really make you feel better and that's what you want to do right?Feel all better and calm again so watch something that will make you feel alive and happy and that will make your heart flutter <3

                                                             
                                                           Quote of the day/Week

Stay happy everyone and thanks for reading my very veryy depressing blog :) I appreciate it seriously!It shows me that im actually not alone and that there is actually someone out there who is listening to me.Goodbye humans <3

Love-Killer

OKAYY you might be thinking oh god here comes another lame heart break lame story but no dont worry ive never been out with anyone and i havent been heartbroken by anyone.

i just wanna talk about how love is such a horrible thing that could happen to you.its like a disease,you are unable of getting rid of its pain.to be honest when you look around you you see soo many young people holding hands,kissing and saying they are so in love with each other but if you ask me what do we know about love?before this crappy generation started our parents were living their lives but we didnt see them wasting their teen days falling in love and losing their virginity did we?

Sometimes teenage couples say to each other i love you but do they really know the actual meaning of love?do they actually want to sacrifice their life to be with this person?Well if they really did we wouldnt be crying over every break up that happens every month.If you really loved that person and you told them you loved them why did you end up breaking up?Dont say things you might end up regret saying.I wont mention names but there was a girl in my school who was a year younger so i think she is 13?anyways so there was a rumor about her that she had sex with a 19 year old and it came out to be true because she told us herself.What i noticed about her while she was telling us is that she was smiling.SMILING!At the age of 13 i was too worried and annoyed that i started my periods and i wasnt smiling about it and imagine i had sex i think i wouldnt even dare to show myself to anyone.i just wold be in that much shame.What is this world coming to i always think and i always hate myself for living in this horrible generation.


Another thing thats to do with love,i have always wonderd how boys are so good at hiding their emotions and just look like they dont give a shit.or maybe they actually really dont give a shit.Me being the really tomboyish girl i always thought i wouldnt be like all the other girls and start freaking out over some guy.Its not like i do it alot but not long ago there was this boy that me and him kinda had this really awkward situation when we were small but we both act as if nothing happend.The thing is everytime i see him i just start going crazy and go all quiet well you know the weird feelings we get inside of us girls?And i know that i dont love him or anything so why do i start being like that and i hate it because its not like me i never look at boys like that just as mates nothing much so i dont usually have those weird feelings like literally never!
Im so stupid for letting my heart take control over me like this its supposed to be the brain in charge right so i think i need to punish the heart now dont i?haha dont worry im joking i aint going to harm myself :P

Am so sorry guys that everytime i start talking about a topic it never makes sense and i always start going off topic.so so sorry people.Thank god i dont do that in my exams too or i will be so dead.Anyway guys enjoy your holidays and dont waste it over some stupid person that probably doesnt give a shit about you.

                                                        Quote of the day/week

One more thing people with broken hearts out there.Dont let what happend ruin your life and happy days when you can be doing so many things instead of sobbing over that girl/boy that you were hurt over.Not the end of the world,god.

I hate school!

Soo yeah im going to be in year 10 and that's 9th grade in America right? I've never been stressed out over school before and like i mean i do try hard but its like if i end up with a bad exam score then i tend not to really go all upset about it coz nothing we can do right?But this time i actually got good marks but i kept on feeling dissapointed that i wasn't in a lower set for next which is really weird of me and i dunno if its because my other friends were sent to the lower class or its because the teacher kept on saying something about triple science or something.It just all sounds so hard and what annoys me more is that the teacher we have i just hate her because she cant even teach properly.So i asked my teacher if it was possible for me to go down too and she thought its because i want to be with my other friends but i don't think its that i think that im afraid the year 10 science we're going to do is going to be hard and i wont be able to catch up sometimes because im the type to not concentrate and talk alot so i think that's going to get in the way too so im still confused about if i should move or not.God i really wish you guys would help me out here you don't even post comments wehhh :( Please guys try and tell me what you think i should do because i really dont want to end up doing something i regret doing.

I really wish i knew what i wanted to do for my future or courier because yes im the type to plan into the future even if i died and not know whats going to happen to me.im thinking about maybe a hair dresser,something to do with art or a book writer but yeah that's all i have on my mind right now.I just really wish that throughout school i'll be able to make up my mind or find out something that im good at.Why don't they have like some kind of day where they take high schoolers to a college and show them the different courses they could be doing but noo they just throw you in there alone and you gotta know what to say and choose like in two seconds.I just wish before its my turn to leave for college i have an idea of what i want to spend my future doing.Wish me luck guys i keeping on reminding myself its not something i should be worrying about a this young age right? :D Its hard isnt it? getting ready for the adult world...

Sorry this topic was pretty short i didnt write much but yeah thats what i wanted to get out of me for like this week :P 

Have a great day without worries everyone :* <3 

We all change/ed

You know there are many reasons why i hate my life.and one of them is because all my friends and i mean all have no connection to me at all i mean not like if we have any similarities or not but as in when we're not it school and i try to contact them online well they either never reply or just ignore my messages and i dont mind that most of the time but the fact that you do it when im in need and the fact that you have a phone 24/7 that you can go on unlike me -.- its just makes me so disaapointed in them and especially in myself that im blaming even my real friends for soemthing that isnt really their fault.I mean come on who am i kidding they have a life,a family and things they could be doing and enjoying not like me always either on the internet telling you guys about my shitty life or just reading a book or sleeping.Even the new freinds that i make online i mean im glad i actually was able to make some but the thing is i always feel so alone and hollow inside like theres no one out there to talk yo and that theyre all too busy to even say hi to me.Am i that bad of a friend to you,am i that boring that you dont even want to say hi to me? another thing  that get me really pissed off eventhough another normal human wouldnt worried over is when someone is talking to you and you show a different side ot you that they havent seen before not a bad side but a side thats either new or that youve kept hidden for a long time.And they ask you have you always been like this?wow,youve changed so much!why have you become like this? And blah blah you know what i mean.

So it just really makes me feel kind of upset and angry at myself really because i start to ask myself have i really changed that much?is this really someone i've been sisnce the start but i never knew about this side of me? well yeah and i just want to answer them soo much but i choose not because i would end up saying something mean or stupid which would obvs make them think 'wow she has obviously changed'.Sometimes people change like that because they've been affected by people.by hate,by getitng used,by torture,by heartbrakes and many other things that would make you feel like you dont even want to live anymore.Sometimes i just sit there and question myself why i've changed so much and who caused it but me being me would never know the answer.am sure i've kind of gone over this topic before right? I know im sorry but the point of making this blog is to write down what im thinking because the way my brain works everyday when something happens my brain starts to works sooo much that it makes me worried its a habit,an addiction and a bad thing so thats the reason behind why i made this blog.not to entertain anyone or try to make you guys feel sorry for me but it judt makes me feel better that someone out there is reading this,maybe not thinking or saying anything but it just calms me down and my thinking so yeah all that up there ^^^^ is what i would have been thinking in my head if i didnt stop by here and just type it down :) Because i feel like my brain and thoughts have calmed down i will be leaving you bye bye.have a great day.i dont really believe in wishes and miracles but i really wish that one day,soon enough i get to meet someone that will stay by my side and make me feel greatful for living in this world.

Its complicated.

Have you ever changed your personality so many times that you cant remember who the real you is?well that's my life right now after I've been pushed around by so many people and felt like i wasn't good enough so i thought the answer to it was to change me but of course i didn't know that that would change my entire life every time and just ruin me.arghhh i need to go back in time and just erase half the people i know out of my life,does anyone else want to do that?

Im watching STEP UP and its actually pretty good eventhough they dance every two seconds :p if you haven't already watched it go and watch it its really cute and musici-fied and what shocked me and made the movie more interesting is the fact that Channing Tatum is in it and he is one of the main characters!! :') isn't there a second movie?well if there is im gunna watch tht one too :D

He has played in all types of movies like wow man can you like dance,fight and do all that shit or did he have to learn it all for the movies?well both ways he is still sexy and hot and one of my Favorite male actors.just look at him!his short hair suits him so much it just makes him more sexier :p

haha dont worry okay? im not going to start fangirling over him for the rest of the post so calm down everyone :)

There are literally one exact month till i finish school and go on holiday because i just wanna get away from everyone :( even the ones i love.Omg i just rememberd theres this really famous dude called Vitaly. heard of him?he is a youtuber and really famous on facebook too :) CLICK ON HERE and check out his funny and hilarious pranks :') yes i know your thinking is this all she does?just go on the internet 24/7 well lets not exaggerate but i spend half of my life on the interent because as i said i am stuck in this house so i cant just go sleep forever coz i dont give up quickly (i think) but i have to do something with my life because when i grow up i dont want to be out of stories for my kids and grandchildren :P.Am so sorry guys for making you listen to my boring life stories but its not like many people read my shit so yeah..anyways guys its time to end this for today and if you've got any suggestions about what you want me to start posting on here then don't be afraid to comment or message me (if there even a way to do tht -.-).

Quote of the day/week

                                                                             Im trying to make the quote as relevant as i can to the subject i talk about but don't excpect too much okay?because i keep on changing the subject every two seconds :P Well i'll see you guys another day.enjoy your time without me :3 byeee

good or bad?

Hey everyone how you been doin'? so today is friday and it was the last day of the school week and we were doing P.E and fridays are always my favourite days because school ends,we can go home and i dont have to see people i hate and i can stay home and watch my beautiful korean dramas :') anyway going back to the point well as i was in a good mood because obvs last day so i go to P.E and we're doin shit and well i have a group that i hang out with but i wouldnt really call them 'real' friends and they use me alot and i know that and this is other girl that i've known for more then 5 years even told me that they're just taking advantage of me and i told her that i know so she asked me why i keep on hanging out with them and even i cant answer that question :/ thats how messed up my life is that i hang out with people that aren't even real and that use me and i know but i dont even care to get up and move away from them because they're ruining my life.:D yes i know im so stupid to let someone actually do that to me :') Back to the story (sorry i keep on going off track) so we were outside and there was a tiny spider on this girls am so everyones there laughing and so im like lets nice and take it off,so i do.Nxt thing i look over at 'my crew' and one of them that i cherish the most is giving me evils and laughing and talking in this other girls ear,ofcourse about me :( It pissed me off that it was her but if it was somone else i wouldnt really give a fuck because she is like the only person that actually gives a damn about me from time to time :) so yeah that broke my heart </3 but you wanna know why the fuck im telling you about my tiny problem? well yesterday i was scrolling down my newsfeed on Fb which is full of quotes and this one came up:

At first i didnt understand what it was trying to say but then when i did i was like oh,so if no one backbites about you then that means they're not jealous or anything? haha i know its not really what it mean but it was something like that right? so yeah,i kinda was like to myself aww no ones ever backbitten me before does that mean they dont give a shit about me? but who would?pfft ;) But next day comes,which is friday (today) and that scene happens ^^^^ and im not sure if i should be more upset over the fact that i just saw someone so dear to me backbite on me or happy and relieved over the fact that they backbited about me and that the quote above just made me feel as if someone out there actually feels jealous of  me :P but maybe just total hatred against me hehe..

I bet if you guys could actually talk to me you would be shouting at me for being so stupid and letting people that i call my 'friends' tample all over me :'( aww damn im going now bye bye poeple.This lonely girl loves you all :* :* <3 <3  

Im loaded

Hey everyone! hows everyone doing today?Well im not that happy at the moment and let me tell you why.

so basically my frined asked me to go with her to the gym so i was likeo kay wait let me ask my mum.my mum goes go ask ur day i asked him he said yes after i tried to convince him and so i told the girl okay i'll come.Next day i got ready and everything my lil bro goes swimming at 1:30 and so i was like to my mum can you take me at 1 pm and she was like okay.However i started teasing my lil bro in the morning so she got really pissed off at me dont worry but she's always acting like that sometimes i wonder if shes bipolar or something :/ anywayz so shes still pissed off at me and its gone past 1pm and when we do eventually do go out and are driving in the car,guess what she does? well she goes straight to ma lil bros swimming place and its not even 1:30.okay so your pissed off at me doesnt mean you can make me late and when i tried calling the girl i was supposed to be meeting with i couldnt reach her so one hour later and im still trying to contact her and im getting really pissed off that i started crying..so im on the phone trying to call someone to help me out i mean i just wanted someone to listen to my horrible situation im in and then i remember that the closest friend i have doesnt even fucking answer my texts so how on earth is she going to even answer my call and all the other friends well if i called them they'll be like wtf mate get a life which i dont need reminding because i know that i need to get a life okay? So anyway i go on my kik and i start to talk to this really nice guy that lives in america we're pretty close and i told him what happend  and i was just relieved that i found someone there to listen to me even if they couldnt do anything :( what im trying to say is i really hate my life,my family and just me.i mean what the fuck does she want me to do improsined in his house my whole life? She thinks im so disrespectful,pffft there are people out there that do things that would make her cry so to he quite honest i dont think im that bad i've always tried changing and becoming better but she doesnt even give a shit and i just really cant wait to get out of this house and live my own life.ALONE .You all must be thinking this girls being such a Dramaqueen but im not okay because you dont know how lonely i feel and now the girl that i was supposed to be meeting with well when we did go to the place were we were supposed to be meeting well i couldnt find her and so i went back home.shes obviously pissed off at me right now and ive told her sorry a million times but she wont forgive me till like i tell her the entire story which she will find very stupid just like you guys do too.i just really felt so down that moment when my mum was acting like that and you know how something makes you feel so down and u start to have these thoughts like i want to commit and why was i born well if you dont then thats okay but i do and its just so annoying becuse everytime i have them  im tere being so serious thena moment later i forget all about them and it just makes me feel like i cant even make up my decision.Oh god im so sorry i must be talking nonesense but come on people i've already told you that im different and i have a very boring life thats why i spend my time on here writing about my life.Im sorry everyone i'll leave you guys alone and a reminder you all should be thankful that you have such nice parents that trust you and know that you'll be able to step into that world without needing a helping hand from them :) goodbye and i love you all :* ❤️❤️This song is pretty old and not that famous but you guys need to listen to it okay its pretty cool ;) 

Quote of the day/week:

Enjoy your day everyone and im so sorry again for wasting your time talking about some bullcrap that doesnt even make sense.goodbye.

its raining,its pouring...

Week holiday and its a bad weather uptill now :/ And all i've been doing is walking around my house singing yes i know i need to get a life but hey what do you want me to do walk out in the rain? well i wouldnt mind but as i said im a prisoner in this house :3 seriously guys im really angry at you,you dont even talk to me i feel so rejected :'( why do  u do dis maaan :( I dont really have any plans for the holiday but i wont mind if someone came and hung out with me ;) i hav ice cream :P I FUCKING HATE MY LIFE! i dont even talk to my 'friends' but i dont really mind :) i just need someone to be close to even if we dont live anywhere near each other.So basically yesterday i was on kik and this random dude pops up to me and he's like send me a pic of u so i was like okay :) so  i sent him one and he goes 'fuck me donkeys' i mean like god no need to be so rude i already know im ugly so you dont have to tell me.i wonder whats so ugly about me apart from my hair coz that shit is just erghh -.- oh well we just gotta thank god for how he created us right? :') Remember the 'beautiful disasters' book? well theres another one called 'walking disaster' and its like the guys part of view and im getting it but its gunna be gay if its goin to be like the same shit that happens in the 'beautiful disasters' book.

This is a pic of what they could look like aw they look so cute ;') its amazing how some people can read books and imagine what the characters actually look like and then draw 'em and im just here sitting after I've finished  a book like 'mergh i've read better'. Speaking of better you guys have to,HAVE TO! read this book its like so amazing its called Eleanor and park <3 god why am i such a bookworm aha i've been reading since i was in primary :D

The pic on the left is another drawing from a fan and omg in the book she isnt even described to be that fat but oh well shes still beautfiul no matter how fat or skinny she is :D .Please read it people :) 

Am so pissed off right now at everything,im pissed off at me,at people,at many things.but goodbye people and this is the quote of the day/week.

I dont understand what that pic even means aha but i'll leave it to you guys to find out ;)

love you all :* bye bye.

whens summer holidays coming? :(

coz i live in uk and its summer the weather's pretty messed up.mostly it'd be sunny on the weekends and then on weekdays we're back to rain -.- i mean i dont mind or anything but seriously stop joking around mr.weather :P
thereis like 8-9 weeks i think of school leftor less and wow to be quiet honest this year went by so quickly ;) We havent done our end of year exams which is really annoying because it means we still have to do a lot of revision wehhh >:( wish me luck guys okay :D whats everyones  plans for the holidays? im goin on holiday to my home country yay cant wait im gonna see my cousin shes like the only best friend that i can talk to about anything :') i've really missed her all this time i've been stuck here with some two-faced bitches that i call 'friends' i really need to start chosing my friends properly from now on or i'll end up living my entire life with fakers :( i still havent found out if you can comment on this site coz like guys i really feel like im talking to myself so please if this site does have something like that then please talk to meeee :3
im watching this old comedian that passed away does anyone know him? he's called Robert Schimmel

rest in peace :* watch him he's really funny :')

Erghh tomorrows school and im always dreading it i really hate seeing people from my school.someone save me :( im so bored i want to go out somewhere but i have the strictest parents ever that dont even let me out -.- has anyone heard about the fault in our stars? well the movies nearly coming out and me and some other girls are going out as a group to watch it as a celebration for one of my mates birthday.but i kinda dont want to go coz theres some girls that are coming that im not really comfortable with,you know what i mean? all im freaking over is my hair!not the clothes or the shoes just my hair.Believe me i have the weirdest hair ever i dont even know who i got it from :/i think im going to start posting a quote everytime i put a new post up,what do you guys think?well i'll do one right now.

stay happy everyone :* 

im new here ppl :)

hey :)

im new to this site and im sure it will take me a few weeks to get used to it and learn how to use it hmm they should have some kind of walkthrough on here aha but walkthroughs are only for games right. seriously i have to find out how to use this site and  i might not have any followers right now but omg it'd be really funny if i found out that i've been talking to my self all this time X'D im not making any sense am i :3 

well anyway please welcome me nicely okay people :D next time i post i will talk a bit about myself because i mean everyone needs an introduction right?